Just What I Needed

So I've not been sleeping. I can't blame it on the little one. Not totally, though it seems she's slipping into four month sleep regression, which doesn't help. Nope, it's all me. I can go to bed at midnight and still be awake when she wakes up to eat two hours later. The other night, I was awake all night. All. Night. It doesn't help that her 5 hour stretches of sleep have gone out the window and that after her morning feeding she seems to wake every hour. All this broken up sleep (I'm lucky to get five broken up hours a night) makes for a cranky mama.

So last night, she wakes up to eat. No problem, I was just laying in bed staring at the darkness anyway. Warmed her bottle, took her in the bedroom and fed her. Now usually, she can eat almost six ounces in less than twenty minutes. Not last night. Last night it took her FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. I can usually have her fed, changed and back to bed in that time! Being as tired as I was, I was feeling a bit cranky. I couldn't seem to get comfortable with her, and I was annoyed with myself that I didn't use the brown nipple instead of the clear one because she seems to drink better with the brown one. It seemed to take forever, but she finally finished, so I gave her a couple of minutes, then unswaddled her so I could burp her. What I do is lay her on the bed and unwrap her, and immediately put socks on her hands because they always go right for her face which often results in scratches. So, on go the socks, and I burp her and then take her to her room to change her.

As I'm changing her, she's chewing on her socks like she always does, pulling at them. Her right sock started coming off, just sort of dangling there from her knuckles, when she raised her hand to her forehead. That's when it completely came off. I look down at her, and the sock is now resting on her forehead between her eyebrows, and her eyes are crossed because she's looking up at it. Immediately, I busted up laughing, and she looks at me, sock still on her head, and as if recognizing that I'm laughing, she gives me a huge gummy grin. Damn I love this kid. The sock stayed on her head for a good minute before it fell off. I could have removed it, but it wasn't bothering her, and it was just too funny to mess with.

It seems like I can be having a horrible day, running on no sleep and the house is a mess and I have not showered in two days and she refuses to nap, when suddenly, she has me laughing. It only takes so much as a high-pitched coo, or leaving a sock on her head, and all is right with the world again. Like today, she sat in her swing while I prepared her bottle, and I heard that unmistakable sound of poop leaving her body and making diaper contact. I hoped for a fart, but I knew there was no such luck. I went to her swing where she looked up at me all innocently, and asked, "Did you poop?" Her response was a big smile. Yes, mama, I pooped, aren't you proud of me? I really don't know why I asked. For one, she's four months old and I wasn't expecting an answer. Two, I could practically smell it from the kitchen. She was so happy to poop that after I'd changed her and fed her, she pooped again. I knew there would be more because the first just wasn't substantial enough, I had just hoped to not have to do it before the smell from the first one had even dissipated from the room.

But still, I could only laugh. I told my husband, and he laughed as well, because sometimes, most times, it's all you can do.

All Growed Up

Not quite. But I'm seeing lots of graduation photos being posted on Facebook, and comments of "I can't believe he's already graduating!" or "It was only yesterday she was in kindergarten!" and it makes me think that one day, I'll be saying the same thing. Already, my little one is three months and then some. That little tiny baby who only slept and ate and pooped is gone, replaced with a smiling, laughing, grabbing little munchkin who no longer wants to be held like a baby, but wants to stand upright on her chubby little legs. She's interested in everything around her, and her curiosity knows no bounds. The other day, I put a headband on her that didn't fit a couple of months ago, and when we went to show daddy, she smiled at him then hid her face in my shoulder like she was shy. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

But I digress.

I think of this very moment when it seems like 18 is so far away, and wonder where the time went and how she grew up so fast before my very eyes. I wonder about the person she'll be, but by then, I will know her in a different way than I know her now. Today, I can tell when she's tired; I know that her rubbing her eyes and now getting fussy means it's time for sleep. I know her hungry cry. I know that when she wakes for the day, she will coo and smile at me when I walk in to greet her. But I don't yet know the person she will be. However, I know the kind of person I hope her to be. I hope she grows to be stronger than her mama, able to stand up for herself the way her daddy does. I hope she knows that she can be her own person and have confidence in her decisions without worrying about what others will think. I hope she is kind, and is able to laugh at herself. I hope she figures out what she wants to be and goes for it. I hope she learns from her mistakes, and is not afraid to take chances. I hope she is not afraid to trust others but knows when to be cautious. I hope she finds what she is passionate about and doesn't let it go. And I hope she loves with all her heart.

And lastly, I hope that tonight she goes to sleep because she refused to nap today.