I should be in bed. Seriously, she's going to wake up in an hour or so, and I'm going to once again say, "why didn't I go to bed at eleven?" Instead, I'm writing here. I thought it fitting that I write about when our little girl arrived into our world.
It was not a movie-of-the-week kind of delivery. She was due on March 4th (soldier's day was how I remembered it), and on February 23rd, at 3am, my water broke. We were asleep at the time (once again, we went to bed late and had only been in bed for maybe two hours. We regretted this later as it was our last chance for sleep. Ever.), and I awoke feeling...something. I sat up and knew that something was happening. I made it to our little bathroom without waking the hubby who had worked backshift the night before and hadn't gotten much sleep afterwards so probably wouldn't have woken up had my water broken and flooded the room. It became immediately obvious to me that yes, my water had just broken. But what does an almost-New Mom do? I can't claim that I was uber prepared. I read a pregnancy book, but didn't know the technicalities of what one did when their water broke and there was no contractions. Did one wait for them to come? So I waited. I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes. I went out into the kitchen and looked up the number I was given to call if I thought I was going into labour. I considered calling it. Me, being as naive and unprepared as I was, thought that if there were no contractions, they would send you home from the hospital sans baby and tell you it was false labour.
So I continued to wait alone, not wanting to wake my sleeping husband who was still snoring soundly. After a half an hour of quiet pacing and a few trips to the bathroom, I decided I better do SOMETHING. Very quietly, I went back to our room and gave my husband's foot a little shake. Surprisingly, he awoke, and picked his head up in the dark to look at me. I whispered, "I don't want you to panic, but I think my water broke. I'm going to call the hospital to see what they say." And panic he did not.
I called the hospital, they asked a few questions, and told me to come in. "Oh...Really?" was my response, as if I expected them to say, "Call back when you feel contractions." I went back and told my half-sleeping husband the news. There was no panic at all. There was just getting up, getting dressed, and making sure I had everything in my bag I thought I might need (it was almost all packed, yet I would discover later that there were things I wished I had but didn't). He went and installed the car seat, because we were like, super prepared for this event, and then we were on our way, leaving the house for what may have been the last time as a family of two.
Still, I had no idea that this was it. In my mind, I still could come home still pregnant, and even had said this to C. But then the nurse informed me that yes, this was it. "Oh..." I said again. Really? Wow, I must have impressed.
We settled in, and tried to get some sleep, but it just wasn't going to happen. Nurses checking up on me, doctor checking up on me, phone calls to be made. After a night of catnaps (C now going on two nights with no sleep), we were already tired. His parents showed up later that morning, as did his brother and his brother's girlfriend. It made it real. I was having a baby.
It was explained to me after a few hours of still nothing happening that it was possible that I would have to be induced. Okay, no problem, I was cool with that. Noon time came, and our little one had decided that she was going to stay right where she was at. So induction it was.
It wasn't until 2:45pm that my contractions began. I did not enjoy them. After a while, the room became quiet when it became clear that I was in pain, enough pain for quiet tears. My best friend arrived, but by this point, I was not much for conversation. C's parents had left earlier, and now the room cleared except for me and C, because it was evident that things were moving along.
I am not going to pretend that I had any plan of a natural, drug-free birth. Judge me if you will, but I chose drugs. A few hours later, I was begging for the epidural. The breathing bullshit? Yeah, that did nothing for me. Maybe it did, maybe it would have been worse had I not done it, but by the end, I threw the mask which gave me the laughing gas (it was NOT funny) because it was only in the way. Then the lady with the drugs appeared, and it was like an angel coming into the room, yet I could not pick her out of a lineup if my life depended on it. I only remember sitting up and being told all the risks which I "yeah...yeah"-ed my way through, and that I could not move during the procedure. I opened my eyes as the prepped me for the first time, and was surprised to see C sitting there wearing a surgical mask. I'm sure I must've looked confused, because I don't even remember him being asked to put it on. I was experiencing contractions as the needle was inserted into my spine, but at the risk of having to wait to have it done again, I willed myself to stay absolutely still as the pain went through my body from the contractions. They had been less than a minute apart by this point.
Then....it went away. The pain. It was gone, and there was only blessed relief. I was a new woman. I shivered like I was on ice, but I don't remember feeling cold. I was exhausted, but so damn relieved I could have kissed the anesthesiologist whom I could not identify in a line-up. I rested, even closed my eyes for short naps, and if I remember correctly, my husband did as well. He had sat by my side throughout the contractions, holding my hand while I squeezed the life out of his, encouraging me, counting with me, telling me to breathe. He says now that he has never felt so helpless in his life.
Four hours later, it was time to push. By this point, it felt like half the hospital had seen the fun that was my lady parts, and I couldn't have cared less. I pushed for two hours and ate ice chips that tasted like nectar of the gods. I asked for the recipe for those ice chips, because I had never tasted frozen water so delicious.
Then, after two hours of pushing and feeling like nothing was happening, something was happening. My daughter was being born. Her head was out, and then, as my husband described, it was as if I pushed and she squirted across the table into the doctor's hands. I felt no pain as she traveled outside of me, but I felt her, and my jaw dropped at the miracle that was occurring. The fact that I was giving birth to a baby, our baby, and that I could feel it happening had actually caused my jaw to drop in awe.
With one final push, she arrived into the world, and suddenly, on February 24, 2011 at 2:02am, we were three. Having not known whether we were having a daughter or son but having been told by the majority of the guessers that we were having a boy, we could've been knocked over with a feather when we were told that we had a baby girl. I cried with joy, and I remember saying something like, "We have a girl!". I couldn't say out loud that I wanted a girl in case we did have a boy, because a boy would not have been a disappointment (as long as it was one or the other, I liked to say). But when we found out that she was a SHE, it was like winning the lottery. I had no idea how much I'd wanted a girl until we had one.
As per my request, they cleaned her up before handing her to me (maybe that's terrible, but I did not want my first meeting with my baby to be of her covered in my uterus juice). When it was time to hold her, I still can't remember if she was swaddled, if she as naked, or if we were skin-to-skin. I only remember that she was trying to look at up me. Her tiny little eyes were trying to see her mama for the first time in that dim light, as if she wanted to put a face to that voice she'd heard for the last few months. She was here, and she was beautiful. Perfect. She cried only for a moment when she was born, then was finished.
They say you forget the pain of childbirth after your child is born. I disagree. I did not forget, but it no longer mattered. It's the worst pain I have ever experienced, followed by the most incredible feeling I'd ever felt. I had given birth to a baby girl, and I was a Mom. We were now responsible for this tiny, beautiful creature who was only minutes old and who would depend on us for many years to come. It was a scary feeling.
But love trumps fear. She's here and rules this house, and it's wonderful.
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